Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I Stand Before You a Failure

I am a disaster in the kitchen. It's not even funny. I have that rare gift of being able to ruin everything I touch, and cooking is no exception. My pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving came out in three different colors. All I had to do was mix some spices into some canned pumpkin pie mix and add some eggs. I didn't even make the pie crusts, my mom did. I cannot be trusted with that task. They would've come out green, with my luck.

Baking the pecan fingers was a sinch...cinch..it was easy and they came out beautifully. This time I'm not so lucky! The first batch was ok. The butter never really warmed up, but I wanted to have these done and cooling by the time my mom got home. I wanted to prove that I CAN do something right in the kitchen. So, I add the powdered sugar and corn starch to the butter and start to mix it, but since the butter is still kinda cold, it's not mixing so well. When the pecan fingers didn't mix well, I just rolled up my sleeves and dove right in with my hands. So, I figured now was a good time to get good and durrty with the melting moments, so I stuck my hands in and started massaging. Ahhhhh, this is where my poor brain doesn't seem to work as well. I didn't think about flour. Next thing I know my hands are COVERED with butter and it won't come off. It just smears all over the place. I take a butter knife and try to scrape the butter off my hands, but I end up getting the handle of the knife globbed full of butter. Then, I grab a paper towel and use it to get my cup of flour and pour it into the bowl, thinking this will cure my problem. I figure it will keep the rest of the butter from getting on my hands and take what's already on my hands off. Not so. I decided to jump ship and just wash my hands, which contained a good portion of the butter on them. I did and carried on and I think the dough is going to be ok. It's out in the garage "chilling" for an hour.

The second batch of dough hasn't been so lucky. It tastes the way its suppose to, but it wont stick together. Rather, it's in a pile like flour. I put in the two sticks of butter, 1/3 cup powdered sugar, 3/4 cup corn starch (I think that's what that was. It's right, whatever it is) and 1 cup flour. I mix and mix and mix, but it just gets crumblier and crumblier (is that even a word?) I think I can put a teaspoon of water in it and it will moisten it enough to make it stick together, but I am SPENT. This has been an emotionally tying day! Sure, I spent most of it belting out Christmas carols and was laughing my ass off when the butter was all over my hands, but this last batch pushed me over the edge. I just walked into the corner and started licking my wounds. No, really. I'm actually licking them. They are covered with dough and are yummy. Mmmm.

Oh, yeah. I also broke a spatchula...spatula. I broke a spatula. That butter is HARD man! I don't dare microwave it, because I always end up with a puddle, no matter what. Dammit, I'm a ninja, not Martha Stuart! We use dough from a can and pass it off as our own. There are too many people for me to spy on and asassinate for me to be wasting my time with the butter and the flour and the mixing. GOT IT??!!

These cookies better come out, or I am gonna go all ninja on someone's ass and since my brother is usually the first one over on the holidays, it's prolly gonna be him. Merry Chritmas Chris. Booya!


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