Thursday, February 02, 2006

I Trust You to Kill Me

This is the name of Rocco DeLuca & The Burden's CD. I love it. "I Trust You to Kill Me" is the agreement that an artist has with the people who consume their work. When you bear your soul for your art you are, in a sense, killing yourself for it. And when you present that art, either hanging on a wall, fluttering around the room in your music, or printed on a page, you are asking people to relive that experience and to make it theirs. You are trusting them to kill you.

I was suppose to have a monologue for drama done last week, but I couldn't get anything out. I've been struggling with my poetry class as well and it's been bothering me a lot. So much so, I've been in tears at my computer. I knew last night that I would, for sure, have to present something to my class today, but nothing was coming to me.

So, I sat at my computer listening to DeVotchKa, contemplating the phrase, "I Trust You to Kill Me", because last night, I still didn't have a solid grasp on that concept. It was when I got on the theme of putting your soul and blood onto the page that my monologue came out. It took about 15 mins. I started with one thing I wanted to say, but it ended somewhere completely different.

I wasn't sure what to make of it, or if I should even take it into class to read. It was so personal! I couldn't even get through reading it once with out breaking down in tears, how was I suppose to do it in front of my class? But something was really pushing me to do it. So, I took it into class this morning and read it for everyone. I didn't break down, but my voice faltered and cracked a few times.

It was while I was reading my monologue that I realized I got the phrase, "I Trust You to Kill Me." I had killed myself last night on that page and I was doing it again in front of the class. I knew I was right when I looked up and saw the looks on everyone's faces. I can't describe it, but it is my most treaured moment now. I knew they got it and their discussion of it proved it.

They discussed the character and spitted back to me, my life. Everything about me, right there and they were excited to have gotten to know me. It was a little surreal. I've never had that experience before and I hope and pray that I get it again.

I need to edit just a few parts. Put some "and's" and "so's" in there to take the monologue less from just a list of things I want to say and make it more like a stream of conscious thought, but when I finish with that later tonight, I will post it. I'd like to share that experience with you all. But for now, I'm going to spend some time with my mother.

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